It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
