i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
