LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
A+ Viking dick
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
