You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
