how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
