1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
