So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
