You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
