im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
