Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
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