My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Houston, we have a squirter
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
