Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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