I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
