Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
