I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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