Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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