Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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