I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
