someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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