Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
