I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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