I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
