thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
