Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
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Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
