whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Randomize
