He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Randomize
