Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
