And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
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