You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
