he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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