I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
