im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
