apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
