the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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