so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Randomize
