My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
