I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
