I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
