wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
