A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
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