when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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