my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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