My hair reeks of homosexuality.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
