First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Just invented taco cereal.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
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