Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
