he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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