This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
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