Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
