Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
