i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
We were destined to go to rehab together
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
